Plaster.
A draft I made over a year ago, when everything was just wrong in my world. I read through this today, surprised at how emotional i was. I’m happy I wrote this and finally remembered my tumblr password so I could read this. Again, just a memory thing for me. :)
Tomorrow has already begun as i lay staring up into an abundance of texture. It’s been 6 hours and counting… Who knew something as simplistic as plaster could hold my attention for this long, longer than a source of knowledge that i should be feeding off of without any negative externalities at all. Who knew. This isnt what i expected… What anyone expected of me for that matter. As i document my inner thoughts.. Unfinished thesis’, run on paragraphs, and fragmented words, i’m left with an emptiness that i just cant disclose. It lingers hauntingly as my vision is blinded and my eyes and brain are revealed to be at a disconnect. My surroundings are mixes of light purple hues, random reminders, things with no purpose at all, and memories that mean the world to me. I’m seeing stars… Lots of them, things that define me, a reflection of an artificial outer shell and a fragile, sometines broken, yet hopeful inner core. Who am i for that matter…? As i try to get some peace from all the chaos that battles and all the regret I feel, im left tired and desperate… Because i cant get away from who i am. As i think, my mind is racing to keep up and sort through all the clutter engrossing me. I just need it to be cleared. Gone. Deleted. FOREVER. Only then would I be free.. But if that happened, I would regret more than my actions. I would remain broken and reduced to a pile labeled “unfixable”, i assure you. Because i am nothing if i am without my imperfections and my guilt-ridden thoughts. As i think this last thought, i turn to the right and fixate my eyes to a new wall of plaster… This time—covered in purple. I’m putting this away, finally. Everything is dark now but i still view lightness through the lids of my periphiels. I think “i am nothing if i am without me” and finally achieve the peace i had hoped for. Until later on when im ready to start tomorrow, today. Until then, i rest and forget, even only for a couple of hours.
